


I Remember Everything

by BelleWrites (sunleyemrys)



Series: A Hawke and Her Wolf [5]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Feels, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 08:13:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15190583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunleyemrys/pseuds/BelleWrites
Summary: Follow up to Wicked Game, and set before Make It Rain





	I Remember Everything

_Domnia_. The word haunted her as Marian sat on the cliff overlooking the beach. Listening to the waves crash against the rocks, she liked the sea, to watch the water. There was a certain peace to it. She thought back, reviewing the past few weeks.

Most recent, Fenris agreeing to allow his brands to be used to save her life. She remembered the words, “You love her?” And the clipped reply, “Do what you must.” And then the scream, like he was being torn apart from the inside.

The wounds she had suffered, him talking the Arishok into single combat. Marian touched the silvery scar, it ached, like any major wounds did when forced to heal rapidly. She knew the pain would fade with time. But it was there, forever.

She rested her head in her hands. “Oh Da, I messed up, so badly. I couldn’t keep them safe. Not even my friends.” Flashes of Carver slowly dying to the Taint and her, helpless to save him. Bethany, dying to protect their mother. Their Mother, a monster at the hand of a crazed blood mage. Her father, wasting away slowly, and there she was, once again, unable to save him.

“Some Champion.” She snorted.

The pain of seeing Fenris like that had broken something in her soul, so Marian had run, the only thing she knew to do. She curled, tucking her knees under her chin and watched the water, lost in thought for a while.

A twig snapped, breaking her free of her thoughts, she gripped her staff. “Whoa, hang on there Hawke. Its just me.” Varric stepped out, slinging Bianca back over his shoulder. “Man, when you want to get lost, you really get lost. I’ve been searching for hours.”

He settled down next to her, pulling out a flask and taking a drink, offering her some. “Is this cause of the Qunari shit? Or Broody? Or something else entirely?”

“Its, everything and nothing. Varric. I’m no hero. Everything I touch, everyone I care about, dies.” She pushed away the flask, hugging her knees.

“You saved a city from being invaded!” He countered. “Saved countless lives in the process.”

Marian shook her head, “Yeah but, my mother, my sister. They are dead cause I wasn’t good enough. Carver is a Warden because of me. And Fenris.” She sobbed, hiding her face. “Anders used him like Danarius used him. To save me. And now, I don’t think he’ll even look at me. I’m just like all the other mages to him.”

“Bullshit.” Varric spat. “Broody just, this is all new to him. He wouldn’t have let Blondie touch him if he didn’t feel deeply for you. You know that.”

“He called me ‘Domina’, Mistress. It was like a slap in the face.” She wiped her face on her knees. “I don’t know if Fenris can love someone, not with all the pain hes gone through. And I love him, but I don’t want to be his master. I cant be that.”

Varric drank from the flask slowly. “I know that, and on some level, Broody does too. And hes not asking you to be that.”

“You don’t get it Varric. I don’t know if I can be with him. I’ll do or say the wrong thing and ruin it. Like I do everything else.” She sniffled, looking back over the water. “Da always liked to visit the coasts. He loved the water. I was born in West Hill; did you know that? Mother and Da had just landed in Ferelden when she went into labor, I was nearly six weeks early. A storm raged that whole night, only stopping when I finally cried. Da said it was the strangest thing. Like the Fade or something was heralding my arrival.”

“Had she gone into labor when they were still on the ship, we’d have all died. Half of West Hill was flooded after the storm. Da said it was pure luck we managed to avoid it.” Marian took the flask finally, draining its contents. “People died in that storm. A storm I don’t think would have been there if we weren’t.”

Varric scoffed, “You were a baby! You couldn’t have caused that or controlled it. Hawke, you’re reaching here. Those people didn’t die because of you. It was bad luck.”

“I am made of bad luck though!” She shouted. “The number of times we had to move because I couldn’t control my magic, or my mouth. Just, it’s a miracle I wasn’t put into a Circle. It made Bethany ashamed and scared of her magic. Seeing the destruction I caused because of my anger.”

“And you think that is reason to not admit to your feelings? Maker’s Breath Hawke, I never took you for a coward.” He tossed a pebble down the cliff, waiting for her reaction.

She stood silently, staring down at him. “I’m not a coward, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“No, I’m just the guy who has watched and listened to you for almost five years talk about Broody. Five years is a long time to hold a torch for someone and not do anything about it. That’s cowardice.” He refused to look at her, instead taking in the waves.

Varric listened as she walked away, headed back to Kirkwall. “Good girl.”


End file.
